lycantius's Blog

Just plz tell me why
You don't want to try
For us to be together
You once told me forever
U say you hate me crying
But get mad bc I'm dying
What am I supposed to do
When the only thing to save me is you
How you can say you love me
And stay away is above me
I just don't understand 
That's why I'm diggin in the sand
Of time, so it can swallow me
There's no fillin the hollow me
My body wants to die
And my brain has given up
Get so mad when ppl try
Sayin get over it, liven up
I don't want to liven up
All the Life that I gave up
Was wasted 
bc he hates me
He's already moved on
His heart's already gone
It's just not fair
No! It's just not fair 
How he's happy after all he's done
And I'm dying, nothing to be won
A cancer that eats me up
A love that beats me up
It's how it's always been
And I keep trying to win
But there's nothing to be won
When I'm the only one
Who even cared to work
Now I'm digging in the dirt
Welcoming the dark
As I tear out my heart
Now I'm not insane
Now I feel no pain
I drop it in the grave 
No respects to be paid
It's murdered for its treachery
Bc it allowed his thievery 
Of my love and energy
For it I have no sympathy
I pound the dirt down
Fueled by hatred now
Love and all its trickery
Love just causes misery
But there will be no grave marker 
As my world grows a little darker
I walk away
Don't know the way
Don't care if I'm lost 
I won't remember where it's tossed
There's nothing to be won
When all is said and done
It's all a giant lie
The greatest of lies
"I will love you forever"
My artery was severed
As I uttered the words
The last thing it ever heard
I'm now good and lost 
Tired from life-loss
Sinking to my knees
Looking up at the trees
There is no moon tonight
But I need no light
To see into my future
I rip into my suture 
I can smell the blood and
Even now the tears are floodin
I lay my back on the ground
I think I'll stay down
I can't feel any worse
I'll just wait here for the hearse
As they lay me down to sleep
And the earth embraces me
Tears flowing from my eyes
He's the reason that I died
Was it so hard to stay by me
When I gave you everything?
I'm just not what you wanted I guess
Go on, preacher, lay me to rest
He's destroyed everything I am
Bc I gave it all to him and here I am
Left ugly from neglect
Our life I regret
I used to feel of worth
And now I have no worth
Pile on the dirt
Say no parting words 
Leave me here to fall away
In the earth the pain will stay
May flowers grow on my grave
And with each petal take a day
From my memory of knowing him
So I can find peace within
Passing on into that Glory
Set me free from purgatory
There is nothing to be won
When love is held by only one.

I've known this guy for a while, he's been a passing acquaintance, and I had picked up before that maybe he was "other" like me...but he didn't feel wolf, maybe bear, but I didn't know... He and I have become closer friends as of late, and he approached me the other night, wanting to know if I was "different."  I keep my wolf secret for the most part...I know how people can be, you know?  So, at first, I still tried to hide it...but he has a way of making you want to talk...you almost can't lie or hide anything from him...so I tentatively told him I'm wolf.  He asked all these questions that were things I had felt and experienced...after answering his questions, he tentatively said he had always felt like he was something else, but he had a rough life, and was forced to hide his nature, and discouraged from sharing the things he felt and experienced..he told me he believed he may be bear and mountain lion...I told him that was something only he could know..that I had always known what I was...I told him to meditate, really search his being....he said he would try that, but that he was just glad to meet someone else like him...me too, honestly :-)  I've picked up on a lot of different animal kin in my life, but it was just what I sensed, I had no verification..I told him that I was the only self aware wolf that I knew...I have a "brother" who feels drawn to wolves, but he doesn't want to explore it further, because he's afraid it will make him "weird"... I don't know...I've sensed so many, but so many don't want to embrace it...I hope I meet more who do..you know, face to face.

Be well. Live and run free.

And my wolf cried out within me
"They are not wolves! They are jackals!
Cast them from the pack! Traitors!
Burr tails!! Thieving Jackals! Smiling foxes!"
My wolf unwraps from soul 
Snapping, foaming at the mouth.

The bear rumbles through my chaos
"Use reason...pace...I am hurting...
There is no reason here to keep me
It stirs me.. you must use your insight.."
He growls at the chaos that strangles him
In my mind.

My tiger spats, and snarls
"Reason? What reason, what rhyme is it
To betray a brood? The body itches for
Violence, for blood...let me rip free!"
She stretches my skin and curls my fingers, 
My body aches in rage.

But then...

My horse is quiet within my spirit
Shuffling at dirt
He has lost the will to run.

My bird sings mournfully from my heart, broken.
Her wings go limp
She loses the will to fly.

There is a moment of sad calm...

My wolf, my horse, my bear, my tiger, my bird...
I am sorry...I am sorry for being such a fool

My little song bird stretches her wings
To become my eagle
"Do not lose me!" she cries.

My horse rears to its hindlegs, kicking at the air
"Do not lose me," he neighs.

My bear roars, an echo amidst the torment,
"Do not lose me!"

My tiger nuzzles the ache
"Do not lose me," she croons.

And you, my wolf? 
My wolf turns into me, planting firmly 
Front and Center
"You will not lose me" and howls.
Long and lamenting.

Suddenly, their voices are a chorus
A unity, a fortitude:
"You are what you are
You feel what you feel
You will come above this
For We are with you
We represent what never leaves
We are the steadfast and 
The Unfailing
Do not lose us, and you will not be lost"

My wolf stares ahead, ears pricked forward
My bear stands on his legs, towering behind me
My tiger stands and plants her feet
My horse lifts his head, the wind catches his mane
My bird stretches her wings

Grieve. We will hold you.

I am not alone. This Earth will pass away,
and none of this will matter...

But for now, I am human, I am weak,
I am in pain.

So I cry.

The name I chose for this site is Lycantius. I also go by Lykos.  They are two names that I am just fond of, and have used in a couple of stories that I'm working on.  Feel free to address me by either of those, or if you would rather, you may message me, and if you give me your birth name, I will give you mine :-)

I've known that I'm a wolf my whole life.  Wolf is an interwoven part of my existence, and has often appeared to me in my mind's eye, calming me, grounding me.  I'm a Christian, and I believe that all existence was created by the One and Only God, therefore, it makes sense to me that all existence would be connected by a common spiritual "network."  Contrary to what most Christians may believe, I believe that many of us begin with an inherent connection to a fellow spirit.  Both being in the conception process of existence, they connect and bond, becoming one.  I also believe that the human beginning of us makes a choice to bond or to stay separate for whatever reason.     Wolf and I became one.  As I have grown, other animal spirits have manifested as parts of my being; Spiritual guides inherent to different parts, so to speak.  I call them my totems, somewhat in reference to the Native American term. I see them as different parts of the "totem pole" of my existence, of me.  Grizzly Bear is my mind, Tiger is my body, Horse is my spirit, Bird is my heart, and Wolf is the foundation, the very base and total of my existence, my soul. 

That being said, I know Wolf, I am connected with that stream of existence that binds all wolves of every kindred, and it's curious to me to see so many "wolves" be so condescending and arrogant and..for a lack of better words, "emo."  Not the majority, obviously, but the ones who this isn't directed to, will know it. The wolf is proud and respectful, and joyous.  We are a powerful race, but ones trully deserving of power don't throw it around. We as wolves should be wiser, and more aware of the image we portray. I'm an old wolf, not in years of existence, but in years of life.   I am an Alpha, playful and friendly, but an Alpha, make no mistake.  I have no desire to take a title of pack leader, I prefer Pack Protector...although, my "pack" (not wolves, and not all "other" but a pack nonetheless)  calls me "mom" because my Alpha tendency is to take charge and take care of those I love, and I will always be there to protect the weak and nurture the abandoned. But even those who aren't Alpha have no excuse to not be mindful of their behavior.

As this is titled, I just wanted to do a little sharing.  I was so happy to find other wolves, because I was really beginning to wonder if I would ever find others.  And I'm so happy to have a place where I can speak completely honestly and freely, even if it is not all well met, it is still among wolves :-)

May we all live and run free

 There Are No Wolves For Me

The wolf is growling, snarling, snapping.
Pacing, and restless, her hackles cannot come down.
Licking her teeth. Feeling the violence she needs.
But I will not kill. I will not attack like she needs.
She makes me ache, and my skin feels like it cannot stretch
far enough.
"There is no wolf for me,
there are no wolves left!!

No mate to stay with me and only me for life
No mate to commit, to love, protect, hunt
with me

No mate to run, to sing, to rejoice.
They will all grow weary and snap at me
They whirl away for the next chase.

No man is a wolf.
They are rutting dogs.
Toms that think of nothing but the heat.
Always, only doing as they wish,
And only because they wish...
No dedication.

There are no wolves.
There is no wolf for me.

I hate to share something like this on Valentine's Day, but this holiday is a bitter one for me.  I've been in a relationship for 6 years..but he is not a mate... after so long, I've given up on trying, given up on "making it work"...We'll be breaking up soon...I'm so glad to know there are other wolves, I can't express the joy of finding others...but my wolf has given up on finding a mate...we don't even care to have one anymore.  If you have found your mate, many blessings, and be grateful :-)
May we all live and run free